My Life Is An Open Book

Hi everyone,
I know it has been so long since I've written.
Not that any of you would actually read or comment on anything anyways...

It was actually Elliven that brought my dusty journal to my attention. I see the link to LJ in my tabs every time I use the internet, but with virtual school, Twitter, Facebook, and catching up on old House MD, Lost, and Grey's Anatomy episodes, I have had no time to write on here.
I have however found the time to write in my journal every single day, until recently when I started a new one and it's taking a while to break it in.

So some stuff that's going on in my life right now...

School: You probably don't know me enough to care, but if you do...
I am so close to finishing the year with at least 3 A's and 3 B's.
I take the SAT and ACT again next month, well I take the ACT for the first time.
I take my two AP tests on Tuesday and Wednesday this week. AP- Psychology and AP English Language and Composition.
And yeah, I'll update you on how all that goes.
Oh and this summer I'm going to COTTEY COLLEGE for a week for a summer program they have for science. I really want to go there when I graduate from High School. It's a private school in Missouri. Very small and its an all girls school!!!!
Apparently I'm super-psyched!

Life: Ahhhh...(sigh) So much since last time.
I now have my sweet love, Elliven, who has been through so much to make me his, evn though I keep reminding him to wait for me even now...
I have recently come to the realization that I am and have been a very selfish person. :( I was so overwhelmed by my history with this heart problem (metaphorical, but still just as serious) that I broke down while on the phone with Elliven, this shook things up between us, but he and I are going to work together to help each other through any problem. \
It's not only a relationship problem that I'm selfish. It is such a big problem that it takes over other areas of my life as well.
Only God can heal me, and I must let him do his work in me and open my heart to his changing power.
I have un-isolated my relationship with Elliven as soon as it became official that we were together.
We have grown ups watching us, and though it may be uncomfortable at times, it's okay with me,at least, if not with Elliven too.
Somethings have definitely changed since the last time I wrote. like how I've become prone to ending online messages, statuses, and updates with ... and sometimes more than three......
Ha!

BOOKS: I have been busy but I have news on the lit that I read anyways.
My AP Lang class has one book left to read on the list. Well, it isn't a book, it's Twelfth Night, Or What You Will.
We read that in about two weeks In-Class, YES! I really want to be a main character again.
Oh, we read Cyrano De Bergerac last month and I was Roxane for the last half of the play. That's the way we read the plays, in parts.
On my own I'm reading War of the Worlds, by H.G. Wells. The 3rd Unicorn Chronicles I mentioned last month, and a comic book every now and then. Right now... Top Ten, by Alan Moore (same guy who wrote Watchmen!).

So that's a lot. Ohhhh, and by the way, I met a girl at my High School who knows Gerard Way personally from when she was a kid. He Baby sat her!!!!! OMG I'm so sad she's a senior. She talk about what He's like all the time and I love to hear it all......

I want to write more!

Abigail Dawning........

Hi,
I have been chatting away about thinking. Because this is a problem for me, I am going to lay low with the over-thinking and pray instead. I have so many problems anyways why not take the world's with me while talking to God. He can help me through them and reveal the answers to me in time. If you are not a Christian you can take this as you wish or not, but God is the Father of my Life(all Life) and so occasionally I will post about Him here.
So I was looking on YouTube for some good Worship songs and I found Shadowfeet by Brooke Fraser. This song makes my heart cry out to God, and I don't know how it wouldn't move any other person Christians especially. This song is so passionately sung and it is sweetly embedded with adoration and trust for God on a level I want so much to be on too. I'll put it up here.



Abigail Dawning

Hi again,

Nature is so beautiful. I just can't stop thinking about it, how perfect god made earth before humans screwed it up.
He called it good. You know God doesn't use that word lightly. In Luke Jesus was called a good teacher by a ruler, but Jesus answered that no one is good except for God alone. So for God to call the earth good, it must have been perfect.

Humans, like I've said have screwed it up. We trash it and destroy it to make room for whatever we want. We pollute and fill the sea and air with trash and green house gasses, respectively. How can anything man has made be called good. It's disgusting. I'm sickened by all of humanity, which is hypocritical to say because I am part of that very race. Animals could take better care of the earth than we have.
I feel that, but I'm not saying that it should happen, the world would be better off if humans we eliminated, like in some sci-fi movie.
We should evacuate and let the earth take a break from our filth, like in Wall-E. I'm so glad that God has promised that after the apocalypse/Armagedon/end of the world, He will make a new earth and it shall be his kingdom, because only God could maintain the creation he calls good as it should always be. I long to see the earth in it's natural state. The beauty of it all chokes me and brings me to tears and that's just the thought of it.
The freshness of green, continuous growth all around.

Abigail Dawning

Cee: HI Abby, what ya wanna talk about today!

Abby: Well I wanted to talk about one thing but, I saw Juno and I suddenly thought of something else or at least something more.

Cee: Oh, okay. Juno was a good movie wat did you think about?

Abby: I started to think about my friend. I just out of nowhere started to think about him. Right after the movie I started thinking about him.
It was sad. I think it was because of the scene where Paulie wins the race and realizes Juno's not there because she's having the baby, then he shows up at the hospital to see her.

Cee: Why did that scene make you think of him. I know him there's nothing he and Paulie have in common. Well maybe he would support a girl he knocked up just like Paulie but still. There's no correlation.

Abby:  Ha- ha, Cee. (sigh) It's just that He was telling me something a few days ago that kind of stirred up some unwanted feelings and one of those would just so happen to be- Jealousy. Then when I saw Juno I kind of wished that that had been Me and him. Minus the pregnancy of course! Especially the part where Juno realizes she's in love with him and he admits he has been too, and he is.

Cee: Oh Abby. I can't believe you! You know whats good for you and he's not it. What happened with letting go.

Abby: I couldn't help it. One minute I was fine with him and I was in a steady release. Then he tells me something I shouldn't have listened to anyways and I'm all angry and jealous and hopeless again. Gosh Cee, It's not like I want to feel this way.

Cee:  I didn't say you did.

Abby: I still want to be only his best friend. I know there's nothing more there. I just can't help it right now.It feels too normal to have that whole there and I didn't like getting used to it the first time and I don't want it there again.
Why was I so stupid to think I could handle it? Why Cee!? I shouldn't have let him tell me. I shouldn't and now it's too late. I'm upset and it's all my own fault.

Cee: Because your a good friend and you wanted to be there for him when he had something to tell you. A GOOD friend does that. But a GOOD friend would know what it would cost the other friend and wouldn't have asked to begin with.

Abby: No it IS my fault I told him I could take it. I knew what he would say.

Cee: (arched eyebrows)

Abby: Cee, he's a guy. He couldn't have known what it would have done to me to tell me what he did. Even after knowing everything about me that he possibly could.

Cee: Wow Abby you really are taking all the blame for your own pain!

Abby: (glare)

Cee: Ya, and what are you gonna do about it? Huh? Are you gonna cry until the hurt goes away? Do you think that will help?

Abby: NO! I know it wont help.
Some friend you are Cee.

Cee: You NEED someone who cares about you and tells you the honest truth. Listen Abby. Your special to me. I've never had another friend like you. I know everything you want me to know and so I have to protect you from what you do to yourself most of all.
Of course you could just skip me and go straight to your MOM!

Abby: No. (whining) I don't want to let her know she was right. I was doing so well on my own, with everything about "I've gotten over him and things aren't the same anymore."

Cee: That was true at the time, but just barely. Now its not true. Your not as over him as you thought.
You need to get over him because nothing is gonna change.

Abby: I know that. I just don't know how?

Cee: Its gonna sound all religious and cliche...?

Abby: Fine with me.

Cee: You have to trust that God can put you back together. He knows your broken and he loves you and wishes you wouldn't give your heart away so easily. He loves more that anyone could and he wants to heal your pain. I know you know that but you're not trusting him. He is like the fairy tail prince that comes to your rescue when you have no other way out. Except he's been wanting to be by your side the whole time, you just have to let him in your tall tower. Only you have the key.

Abby: Your right. I know your right. So I just pray?

Cee: Ya! You should have been praying. You should read the Bible about God's love. God allows pain because he wants people to look to him for rescue and love him with all their heart.  You should always keep praying.

Abby: That does sound cliche.

Cee: Only because its true. True things get repeated a lot, sometimes.
But most of the time people don't really take it in so it just keeps getting said.

Abby: Thanks Cee. Thanks for caring for me. I didn't think that anything this deep could come from Juno. And it wasn't really what the movie was about either.

Cee: I know! That is some good movie though. Love ya!

Abby: By Cee.

~AbbyD~